I realized that I did have friends. We just lost our connections. I felt at ease and a bit happy when I was able to make a conversation with some of them through Twitter, Tumblr and Messenger. I didn't feel alone for a few minutes. I am glad that they still remember me and how we used to be. They are the people who never judge me because my beliefs is different from theirs. They accepted me for who I am, even if I disappear sometimes, they did not care if I am a bit weird.
I might sound a bit clingy about the past but, it's the only thing I have right now that makes me happy. I am trying my best to create new wonderful memories in this country that I am in but I have no one to share it with and that made me feel quite lonely.
I have my parents and my younger brother but, there are some things that only you can talk about with your friends. I get along with my brother just fine, we get along in terms of games and stuff like that, but serious conversations? I cannot have such conversations with him yet. He's still in grade school and our age gap is 9 years apart so there are a lot of things that he wouldn't understand yet. I have a few cousins here, but they have their own circle of friends, plus they grew up in this country so their kind of fun is different from mine. And they have their own families too, so yeah.
I am just happy that even for a little while I felt like I am not alone anymore. I believe God is watching me from above and he will bring the right people in my life at the right time. I just have to fix myself and prepare for their arrival so I could share some happiness with them.
Well, until next time. I will do my best to be happy every single day of my life.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
To be Forgotten is the most Painful
I have mentioned in my previous post that I didn't want to go crawling to my friends and rant about my problems because I didn't want to be a burden to them but, I sometimes ask myself, do I really have friends? Maybe I did at some point in my life.
It must be true when they say that "people come and go" out of our lives. I really feel lonely right now Mr. Pillow. I don't know until when I'd be able to continue living like this. I thought of committing suicide sometimes but, I always try and pick myself up and motivate myself that I still have my dreams to fulfill. I cannot end my life so easily, plus, I should be grateful that I have been given a life (I am sorry if I have been thinking this way).
Why is it so difficult to find people who will stay in your life forever ( well, my family has always been with me, but it's different! You know what I mean). Friends? Where are you? I honestly feel lonely even when I am surrounded with these people who I consider as my friends ever since. And now, suddenly moving to another country I felt that we have lost our bond. I don't need a large group of people; one person is enough for me. All I am wishing for is for someone to stay by my side for a long time. Someone who I could listen to; who would sincerely listen to me. Someone who I can laugh with, go on road trips, share problems and secrets with. Someone to trust and will never have the nerve to betray you. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why is it so difficult to make friends? Am I that weird of a person?
What brings my spirit down these days too, is that, there is a 97% chance that I will not get married (that's how I see it for now... And according to my parents too, since I haven't been dating anyone for years). Although I know I am still in my early 20's (don't get me wrong, I am not rushing to be in a relationship or anything). Sometimes I am also starting to lose hope in meeting the right person since I do not know if I am still capable of loving someone in a romantic way. I am losing my confidence in myself.
Maybe guys are not attracted to me because I'm short legged, chubz... I guess... ok! ok! I am a chubz! hahaha... I play video games, I read manga, I still like animations, I don't wear fancy dresses and a lot of girly clothes, although, I wear makeup... sometimes. My voice is also, not that girly, I have short hair, I work in minimum wage... I don't know anymore. I am lacking a lot of things maybe but, I still have that little hope that one day someone will accept me for who I am.
Ah! I DON'T KNOW! I'll stop here for now. I don't want to contaminate the Internet with my ranting. Time to go back to my imaginary world.
FOREVER ALONE???
And for people like me who is hanging on a thread...
It must be true when they say that "people come and go" out of our lives. I really feel lonely right now Mr. Pillow. I don't know until when I'd be able to continue living like this. I thought of committing suicide sometimes but, I always try and pick myself up and motivate myself that I still have my dreams to fulfill. I cannot end my life so easily, plus, I should be grateful that I have been given a life (I am sorry if I have been thinking this way).
Why is it so difficult to find people who will stay in your life forever ( well, my family has always been with me, but it's different! You know what I mean). Friends? Where are you? I honestly feel lonely even when I am surrounded with these people who I consider as my friends ever since. And now, suddenly moving to another country I felt that we have lost our bond. I don't need a large group of people; one person is enough for me. All I am wishing for is for someone to stay by my side for a long time. Someone who I could listen to; who would sincerely listen to me. Someone who I can laugh with, go on road trips, share problems and secrets with. Someone to trust and will never have the nerve to betray you. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why is it so difficult to make friends? Am I that weird of a person?
What brings my spirit down these days too, is that, there is a 97% chance that I will not get married (that's how I see it for now... And according to my parents too, since I haven't been dating anyone for years). Although I know I am still in my early 20's (don't get me wrong, I am not rushing to be in a relationship or anything). Sometimes I am also starting to lose hope in meeting the right person since I do not know if I am still capable of loving someone in a romantic way. I am losing my confidence in myself.
Maybe guys are not attracted to me because I'm short legged, chubz... I guess... ok! ok! I am a chubz! hahaha... I play video games, I read manga, I still like animations, I don't wear fancy dresses and a lot of girly clothes, although, I wear makeup... sometimes. My voice is also, not that girly, I have short hair, I work in minimum wage... I don't know anymore. I am lacking a lot of things maybe but, I still have that little hope that one day someone will accept me for who I am.
Ah! I DON'T KNOW! I'll stop here for now. I don't want to contaminate the Internet with my ranting. Time to go back to my imaginary world.
FOREVER ALONE???
And for people like me who is hanging on a thread...
NEVER GIVE UP!! Let us motivate each other.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Greetings!
My first post in this page as you can see. I almost forgot that I have an account in this website until now. For people who might be able to read this (I don`t know; maybe you have clicked a certain link from your search engine that lead you to this page). I will warn you now, that my posts here might contain drama, rants and other uncool stuff people might dislike seeing on the Internet.
The sole purpose of me typing all this nonsense here is to have all my emotions out. Yeah, yeah... so some people find it annoying when someone posts about how they feel (they call it DRAMA) on the Internet, but not everyone is alike (So give people some respect! You don`t know what they`re going through. Damn it! Oops... My apologies, I got carried away. Hahaha... Anyways...) As for me, I am the type of person who is not that good with making friends. Sure I meet people from work, school, and through other people, we have a little chit-chat here and there but, they are only acquaintances. I do try to make good friends here, but the culture I grew up in and got used to is really different. I do respect their lifestyle and culture, but I just don't feel like I fit into those kind of stuff and I didn't want to change myself just because everybody is doing the same thing (I honestly don't go partying in clubs or even go inside bars but I like small gatherings; like get togethers and stuff like that). It is very rare for me to find good friends who I can share stories with, trust and lean on during the challenging phases of life.
Since I came from a country far from my current residence; it has been very difficult for me to keep up with my friends from back home (Time difference, man!). They are busy with work and stuff, so I did not want to bother them, I know that they have their own problems to face, and I did not want to burden them...so, yeah... I decided to vent out my feelings over here. My social skills are not top notch, so it is really difficult for me to create that special bond with some person I just met (plus, I am guilty of being socially awkward around new people and it seriously takes a lot of time... I meant, a LOOOT of time for me to get comfortable around them). So here I am, talking to myself inside my head and putting it out on the Internet, just to feel like I am talking with someone (it makes me feel that someone is listening to me). Everyone needs to let out some of those bottled up emotions somehow or they might end up being coo coo like me one day.
So yeah... I would like to thank the following:
*The creator and developers of the Internet. Thank you so much for this wonderful invention. Not only, you let people communicate around the world, but you also let people like me feel like they have millions of friends who listens to them ( omg! Admitting this things does make me sound like a looser. HAHAHA!).
*The person responsible for Blogger. I wouldn't be able to post anything about such and such if I do not have an account here. LOL
*The person from the other side of the screen. YOU. Yes, the one reading this post right now (if there is someone out there... Haha) and you understand or is trying to understand how I feel (maybe because we share the same soul) thank you for reading.
I do not have anything to tell you today ( actually, I kinda forgot my thoughts that I wanted to share... hehe). Maybe I should start writing about my life, from my point of view... Hahaha... Oh, well. Next time for sure.
-マリア
The sole purpose of me typing all this nonsense here is to have all my emotions out. Yeah, yeah... so some people find it annoying when someone posts about how they feel (they call it DRAMA) on the Internet, but not everyone is alike (So give people some respect! You don`t know what they`re going through. Damn it! Oops... My apologies, I got carried away. Hahaha... Anyways...) As for me, I am the type of person who is not that good with making friends. Sure I meet people from work, school, and through other people, we have a little chit-chat here and there but, they are only acquaintances. I do try to make good friends here, but the culture I grew up in and got used to is really different. I do respect their lifestyle and culture, but I just don't feel like I fit into those kind of stuff and I didn't want to change myself just because everybody is doing the same thing (I honestly don't go partying in clubs or even go inside bars but I like small gatherings; like get togethers and stuff like that). It is very rare for me to find good friends who I can share stories with, trust and lean on during the challenging phases of life.
Since I came from a country far from my current residence; it has been very difficult for me to keep up with my friends from back home (Time difference, man!). They are busy with work and stuff, so I did not want to bother them, I know that they have their own problems to face, and I did not want to burden them...so, yeah... I decided to vent out my feelings over here. My social skills are not top notch, so it is really difficult for me to create that special bond with some person I just met (plus, I am guilty of being socially awkward around new people and it seriously takes a lot of time... I meant, a LOOOT of time for me to get comfortable around them). So here I am, talking to myself inside my head and putting it out on the Internet, just to feel like I am talking with someone (it makes me feel that someone is listening to me). Everyone needs to let out some of those bottled up emotions somehow or they might end up being coo coo like me one day.
So yeah... I would like to thank the following:
*The creator and developers of the Internet. Thank you so much for this wonderful invention. Not only, you let people communicate around the world, but you also let people like me feel like they have millions of friends who listens to them ( omg! Admitting this things does make me sound like a looser. HAHAHA!).
*The person responsible for Blogger. I wouldn't be able to post anything about such and such if I do not have an account here. LOL
*The person from the other side of the screen. YOU. Yes, the one reading this post right now (if there is someone out there... Haha) and you understand or is trying to understand how I feel (maybe because we share the same soul) thank you for reading.
I do not have anything to tell you today ( actually, I kinda forgot my thoughts that I wanted to share... hehe). Maybe I should start writing about my life, from my point of view... Hahaha... Oh, well. Next time for sure.
-マリア
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